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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.