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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.