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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.