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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Condoms prevent minivans.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"