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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?