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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"