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I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I need new swear words.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.