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We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside