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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.