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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
I look so young for my rage.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.