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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
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Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?