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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.