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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.