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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.