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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..