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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.