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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear