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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?