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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
My life is just one long improvisation.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Being alive is so expensive.