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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis