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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
What number SPF blocks people?
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around