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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.