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My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!