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Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"