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If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.