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I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.