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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.