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How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.