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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...