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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.