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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.