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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...