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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.