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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor