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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.