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If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."