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No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.