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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.