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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!