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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.