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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.