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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.