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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.