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Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"