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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?