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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.