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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.