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Partying on my level requires years of training.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.