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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.