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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.