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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Youth is wasted on the young.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.