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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D