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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.