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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired