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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.