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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.