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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.