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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360