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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.