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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.