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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.