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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.