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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.