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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
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Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.