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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"