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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.