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Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.