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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.