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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
Survival rule #1: You go first.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.