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Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
It’s not pretty being easy.