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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.