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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Long story short, I love summaries
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"