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You do realize everyone can see your status right?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.