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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like