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Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave