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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.