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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.