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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`