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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?