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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.