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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?