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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.