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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.