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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
drinks well with others.