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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
I’m in no shape to exercise.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.