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I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!