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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Ways to die: Steal my food.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.