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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
If people could read my mind, Iād get punched in the face a lot.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.