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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.