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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.