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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.