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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!